First - let me start by saying that I had been primed to do this for three years. I had been our building Division Manager and had handled the campaign for close to 1000 employees each year - so I thought I knew what I was getting into by having my leader nominate me to be a Loaned Executive for United Way. I couldn't have been more wrong.
At LL Bean - you have to be nominated to be a Loaned Executive for United Way. Once you are nominated by your Supervisor - it then has to be blessed by your Manager and then your Division Vice President BEFORE it even makes it to Staffing. They then sort through the applications and interview only the best nominated employees. And the interview process is hard. It's an hour interview done by a panel of previous Loaned Executives from LL Bean the year prior, plus facilitators from Staffing and Employee Development. And the questions make you think and do some serious soul searching. If you didn't have a remote connection to United Way - you wouldn't make it through the interview process.
LL Bean loans out four employees to area United Way agencies. Greater Portland, Androscoggin County and Mid-Coast Maine. They also ask you where you'd prefer to work. Since I live and grew up in Brunswick - I of course told them Mid-Coast was my first option, but I'd go anywhere they decided. I figured I was a shoe-in for Mid-Coast. After all - I had a recommendation from one of the Mid-Coast United Way Board Members requesting me as part of their campaign. So when I got the call that I was picked for Greater Portland - I thought, "Okay? How bad can it be?" The first thing I had to do was attend the cocktail reception at Maine Health in Portland.
Now I work in a Distribution center... I wear jeans and t-shirts. In the summer shorts and t-shirts. Sneakers are the normal footwear everyday. And I had to leave work and head to a 'cocktail reception' with United Way board members, staff, and the other Loaned Executives. I had to first FIND dress clothes... I think I own some. But where are they? I haven't been to something dressy - well, since my wedding! But I dug out a dress, painted my toe nails as I was wearing sandals and found my best looking sandals... even those are mostly more well-worn than dressy. But they'd have to do. Dressed up as best as I could pull off - I drove into Portland - hot on the heels of everyone I work with telling me they'd never seen me in a dress before...
Maine Health is housed in the old Sear building - a non-nondescript brick three story building next to the Civic Center. It looked like every other brick building in Portland - and the last time I had been in it was probably in the late 70's when it was still the Sears building. I opened the door and walked into an atrium of three floors of 'offices' over-looking their sky lit common meeting area one floor below ground level. Every level was draped in lush ivy and the natural light made me feel like I wasn't in an office building at all. It was spectacular. After I closed my gaping mouth - found my name tag - managed to remember to get my parking validated - I headed downstairs to see what I was getting myself into. I was never so excited to see a familiar face as I was to see Mara. She had been our Loaned Executive the year before and I headed straight for her. I had a moment to gather what little wits I had - looking around at the wine and beer bar and the finger appetizers strategically perched around the room. But in my mind all I could think was - "I don't do cocktail parties. I cater them, heck I could even serve the drinks, but I'm not usually one attending them."
So people started to slowly fill the area. Everyone was wearing name tags - but they were all different colors. Green, blue, black and I had no idea what any of them meant. I quickly looked at mine to see what color it was - but just as quickly forgot. People were beginning to gather. Men dressed in suits and ties, sophisticated women in dresses all flashing pearly white smiles. They migrated towards the bar and picked up their glasses of wine or microbrews and I continued to wander around like a lost soul.
I was introduced to a few people - other Loaned Executives mostly but then was left to my own devices. Oh gawd... I hate mingling. I hate small talk. I'm better at being behind the scenes - comfortably cooking the cute little appetizers they were serving. But I managed to weave my way to the bar and pick up my glass of ginger ale. High test as it was served with lime. I didn't dare eat anything - because knowing my luck - I'd be the one with spinach caught between my front teeth for the whole thing - and that was one impression I could seriously do without.
After about thirty minutes of excruciating mingling - people started to make small speeches. And surprise - all of the Loaned Executives got to get up and tell why they were a Loaned Executive, what company sponsored them and why they supported United Way. Stars started to flash before my eyes. I was getting fuzzy. Speak in front of people I'd never met - or barely met. This could only result in a sudden implosion of my brain. And lucky me - having Stevens as a last name - I got to go almost last. So the others slowly started to get up and do their little introduction. In my head I kept repeating - "You work at LL Bean, you work at LL Bean" because that was the one thing I really didn't want to forget in front of everyone.
They were eloquent. They were poised. I was a shaking mess. Time ticked away, my heart rate started to pound in my ears, louder and louder. I hate public speaking. I can do it when I know about it - but impromptu - I feel a stroke starting to surface. I'm going to pass out. I'm going to trip going up the steps they were using as a stage. I can't do this. Hyperventilation was quickly working its way through me. And then they called my name. I navigated through the group and up two steps. Didn't trip, still breathing and I started to speak. I think I mentioned LL Bean. I think I mentioned United Way was personal to me. I think I said a few other things. But frankly - its a big black hole in my memory. I finished and stepped back down and tried to fade into the crowd.
The last person spoke and we mingled some more. I had lasted a little more than an hour in a two hour reception. I had to break free. I said my thanks to the couple of people I knew and mentioned that I had to get home. I lived in Brunswick and had the longest commute. I smiled, and tried to not run back up the stairs to get out of that reception. I walked - as calmly as possible back to my car. Out of my sandals and back into sensible shoes to drive. I sat for a moment to collect my breath. What on earth was everyone thinking??? This is not me. I should be in Mid-Coast. I'm so far out of my comfort zone it's not funny. I made it home without passing out. Self-doubt filling me.
Back at Beans the next day I spoke with Pam, my supervisor. "Pam, it was horrible. I can't do cocktail receptions. I can do small talk. Why on earth did they pick me for Greater Portland? I don't belong there." And as Pam does, in her soft reassuring tone, she simply stated "Kathleen, this is what you've wanted for a long time. They picked you for a reason. You'll do great." Hmmm... I was not convinced. I mentioned my experience to my co-workers. One looked me straight in the eye and said, "Suck it up buttercup. You can do this and you'll rock it."
I don't know about rock it - but I won't back out. We'll see how it turns out...
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Hosting my last events
As many of you know I love hosting events. They bring me considerable creative and personal joy. But I'm also finding they are not making me as happy as they used to. There are a few reasons, hosting even a small event requires attention to details and lots of planning... things I enjoy. But trying to balance all of that and then to have such low numbers actually show makes my efforts feel in vain. I spend months planning, carving, planting and pulling together small diverse details so that everyone has what they enjoy at my events. Most of those that do attend - while they might grumble at some of the things - tend to go away feeling like they've had a good time. It also requires lots of time doing something I alone enjoy. Ashley is moving to NYC in a few days- so the one family member that would do any boxing with me is leaving. So it makes me think it's time to do something different with my time.
Like everything in life - things ebb and flow... so it is with me and events. My discouragement at having lower attendance at my events year after year has helped make the decision easier and not having my planting partner aided in my decision as well. It's time for me to find things to do with Christopher - and change the path I have been traveling for a while now.
So that being said - I have two events left to host, and then yes I will be done. LLBean has been gracious to offer their store for three great events. A unique way to get inky in the middle of the winter and in the middle of the night. I'm fortunate to work for a company that relishes in helping to promote activities that support the outdoors and all of the letterboxing values. We will go out with a bang... and I'm hoping that if you've ever wanted to event an event that goes until wee hours of the morning and pretty much takes over a retail campus - you decide to join us. It will be worth it.
My final event will be a smaller one... though full of more thought provoking clues than most. My library event will have your brain working overtime and give what I hope will be a great final event in my history.
One final thing - I know that others host events as well. The amount of work they all put into them is incredible. Details to planning, plotting and hours of trying to make an event possible is not something that should be under appreciated. If you do sign up for someone's event - please go. And if you cannot - drop yourself from the event and tell the host why. Planning for 100 when 20 show up is frustrating - and if the trend continues, folks will stop hosting. Events are an important part of our hobby. Through them we meet great people who turn into much treasured friends. So treat them like the extended family that they are and be courteous enough to let them know if you are unable to attend their event - they had planned on your attendance so if you do not show up - it has cost them not only time, but usually money and resources.
This hobby is a joy - it has afforded me opportunities to visit places I wouldn't have gone had it not been for the hobby. But more important - it has brought me a treasured group of friends that I consider my extended family. Whether they live in Maine or across the country in Oregon... they are relationships I have built in person or via e-mail that have made this hobby what is important to me. For that I will always be grateful.
Like everything in life - things ebb and flow... so it is with me and events. My discouragement at having lower attendance at my events year after year has helped make the decision easier and not having my planting partner aided in my decision as well. It's time for me to find things to do with Christopher - and change the path I have been traveling for a while now.
So that being said - I have two events left to host, and then yes I will be done. LLBean has been gracious to offer their store for three great events. A unique way to get inky in the middle of the winter and in the middle of the night. I'm fortunate to work for a company that relishes in helping to promote activities that support the outdoors and all of the letterboxing values. We will go out with a bang... and I'm hoping that if you've ever wanted to event an event that goes until wee hours of the morning and pretty much takes over a retail campus - you decide to join us. It will be worth it.
My final event will be a smaller one... though full of more thought provoking clues than most. My library event will have your brain working overtime and give what I hope will be a great final event in my history.
One final thing - I know that others host events as well. The amount of work they all put into them is incredible. Details to planning, plotting and hours of trying to make an event possible is not something that should be under appreciated. If you do sign up for someone's event - please go. And if you cannot - drop yourself from the event and tell the host why. Planning for 100 when 20 show up is frustrating - and if the trend continues, folks will stop hosting. Events are an important part of our hobby. Through them we meet great people who turn into much treasured friends. So treat them like the extended family that they are and be courteous enough to let them know if you are unable to attend their event - they had planned on your attendance so if you do not show up - it has cost them not only time, but usually money and resources.
This hobby is a joy - it has afforded me opportunities to visit places I wouldn't have gone had it not been for the hobby. But more important - it has brought me a treasured group of friends that I consider my extended family. Whether they live in Maine or across the country in Oregon... they are relationships I have built in person or via e-mail that have made this hobby what is important to me. For that I will always be grateful.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Here goes nothing
So I ended the year on a low point... but as I entered 2015 I started to reflect. I don't need to continue down the low I seemed to be on... I could change my path and make a concerted effort in trying to get into a more positive place. So upon making that decision, I've started to concentrate on more positive things. And let me tell you - honey there are still days I struggle... but then in my mind I start giving myself a stern talking to... and for the most part, it has worked.
I started by thinking how I could control my holiday season better. as many of you know - I work at Beans and from Thanksgiving to Christmas it's all hands on deck... over time... getting those items out to our customers (who ultimately pay my salary.) But I can make sure all of those things that make me feel pulled in every direction are minimized. And don't start groaning - because I don't do this to make folks crazy - but two of the things on my list to have completed early are: my Christmas cards and the majority of my Christmas shopping. I used to do this and Christmas seemed less stressful. I'm not even sure when I stopped doing it - but I'm heading back to that game plan. Cards will be completed by Halloween - postage attached as soon as the Christmas stamps are available - mid November usually and dropped in the mail by December 9th. And like that - one thing done.
The shopping is a bit harder - but there are some stand-bys that I purchase every year for stockings or what not. Those I can purchase well in advance and have them wrapped, labeled and ready to go. Other things might have to wait a bit longer - but my goal is to have the majority of my major shopping completed by Thanksgiving... don't need to wait until Black Friday as I never participate. Even if I put things on layaway (in my mind the perfect hiding spot!) - I'll at least have a sense of what major items I have 'purchased... then when the OT starts happening - I can just finish paying things off and not feel pressured to head out to the mall shopping.
I've always kept a year round list of items to get for folks... people wonder how I usually end up getting 'exactly what they've wanted.' It's because during the year - as folks chat - I listen and write things down : ) I does make shopping much easier. Another thing I'm trying to do it make items for folks - I have some items in mind already... my problem is finding the time to actually do the projects... and since I have a limited craft space (the dining room table plus a couple 'satellite tables' as Ron calls them.) I can't really start something and leave it out for long periods of time... so I'd need a few days off together to get things going... but usually what ends up happening is I don't have the supplies or I end up carving and doing laundry. My perpetual hobbies as of late! LOL.
But I do have goals to change that this year... I also plan on trying to support more local craft people by purchasing what I can at some of our craft years that happen year round... One of the big ones in the area always happened on the weekend of my camping event. With us just having a one day event this year - I'm hoping to get back to that craft fair once again... buy it, wrap it, label it, and tuck it away in the closet... more stress done and gone.
I've also decided to make sure I start doing those things with my family that make me happy - and create those little moments that carry you through to the next day or week. This will be the third year visiting the Shriners Feztival of Trees with my sister, her family and mine. It's a relaxing evening - and yeah we spend money buying those tickets - but it supports a good cause. And even though we have no hope of winning a tree - even Christopher realizes it - we can start to think of how we would share ALL OF THOSE LEGOS!!!
Another thing I want to get back to doing is spending a day shopping with Ashley. With only one day off each week in December - we need to do this earlier. Maybe even mid-week. And now that she's out of school - it just might work. She always lights up my life! She makes me laugh so hard I usually end up crying. We can act foolish together and even better - she's old enough that we can share cocktails together. Not that we drink buckets (okay - we DO drink buckets) but having a drink at an adult restaurant is a bonus when most of my dining options are picked by a 10 year old boy who has recently decided Burger King's nuggets are the BEST! Again - little things : )
So then I started reflecting about work. I have to go there and spend a bazillions hours there in December. Instead of complaining about it - I could make suggestions to make things better. So I started a list of things we could do at work to make things more festive and less - well grumbly. Nothing too exciting... making paper snowflakes to hang in our windows... doing an ornament swap... wearing our PJs to work. I have about 15 things written down and I've shared them with my leader. Mainly because I don't want next year to be as grumbly and non-festive as this year was. Now I don't know if they will actually do it... but its amazing how much pull I have when I get something in my head. So there is a good chance we can do this... heck - we didn't even sponsor a Christmas family this year... and it's the first year in 20 that I've worked in a department that didn't. My motto - if you want things differently - speak up and push ideas forward. Heck even if they decide to do a couple of them - things can only be better than they were last year.
So here we are - heading head long into February. We've been buried in mountains of snow... many of those days I've sat and watched the snowplows drive by - trying desperately to keep up and try to find a place to put yet another 8" on piles that are 6+ feet tall and 5+ feet deep and think that being positive is easier and I'm in a better place than I was a month ago. I might have to build an ark in order to survive the spring thaw... but we'll sing while we row ahead of the waves!
My mountains of carving still keeps me company... and I'm working on building logbooks... but I'm also reading books that I would have never picked up in the past. I'm participating in a reading challenge that Ashley encouraged me to do with her. And now there are a bunch of us doing it together. I've read a graphic novel... and a book written originally in a foreign language... now on to tackling Barbara Bush's memoir! With it being 500+ pages - I should be able to finish it in a day or so... LOL.
So taking a moment - to thank someone I don't even know for setting this all in motion. As part of the AQ Christmas swap - my holidays were restored and my attitude changed. Because if someone who has never met me can send me something so personal - that they took the time to read my blog and pull items from it to make a gift to a stranger more personal - then I should be grateful for the gifts - small and large that are bestowed on me every day.
I have a good job - I have my health (except when the flu vaccine didn't work) - I have a great family - I have a warm house to come home to and food on the table every night. I have friends far and wide that support my crazy addiction to carving and planting stamps... and coming out in the middle of the night in a snow storm - to visit us here in Maine. I have so much to be grateful for - and I need to remember that. Even if I have to give myself a mental talking to once and a while... my goal for the rest of the year - it to remember, no matter how difficult things get - there is always a positive side to everything, even if it's just a little smile or a hug from a reluctant 10-year old. Maybe just even spending the evening watching the Super Bowl or watching all of those glorious snowflakes fall from the sky. Every moment is a gift. And for those simple gifts - we must all be grateful.
So my wish for those of you that read this - may you find those moments that carry you through those times that make you struggle. If you are reading this - you are a friend through the extension of my words. Know you have a friend out there - if we have met in person or not. A friendship that can be shared and paid forward. Take those small moments and carry them forward. Smile at a stranger instead of glaring at them. Hold open a door for someone carrying too many bags to handle. Or just say 'Bless you' when someone sneezes... it's those small thanks that help to make us all feel important and needed.
Here's to a great 2015...
I started by thinking how I could control my holiday season better. as many of you know - I work at Beans and from Thanksgiving to Christmas it's all hands on deck... over time... getting those items out to our customers (who ultimately pay my salary.) But I can make sure all of those things that make me feel pulled in every direction are minimized. And don't start groaning - because I don't do this to make folks crazy - but two of the things on my list to have completed early are: my Christmas cards and the majority of my Christmas shopping. I used to do this and Christmas seemed less stressful. I'm not even sure when I stopped doing it - but I'm heading back to that game plan. Cards will be completed by Halloween - postage attached as soon as the Christmas stamps are available - mid November usually and dropped in the mail by December 9th. And like that - one thing done.
The shopping is a bit harder - but there are some stand-bys that I purchase every year for stockings or what not. Those I can purchase well in advance and have them wrapped, labeled and ready to go. Other things might have to wait a bit longer - but my goal is to have the majority of my major shopping completed by Thanksgiving... don't need to wait until Black Friday as I never participate. Even if I put things on layaway (in my mind the perfect hiding spot!) - I'll at least have a sense of what major items I have 'purchased... then when the OT starts happening - I can just finish paying things off and not feel pressured to head out to the mall shopping.
I've always kept a year round list of items to get for folks... people wonder how I usually end up getting 'exactly what they've wanted.' It's because during the year - as folks chat - I listen and write things down : ) I does make shopping much easier. Another thing I'm trying to do it make items for folks - I have some items in mind already... my problem is finding the time to actually do the projects... and since I have a limited craft space (the dining room table plus a couple 'satellite tables' as Ron calls them.) I can't really start something and leave it out for long periods of time... so I'd need a few days off together to get things going... but usually what ends up happening is I don't have the supplies or I end up carving and doing laundry. My perpetual hobbies as of late! LOL.
But I do have goals to change that this year... I also plan on trying to support more local craft people by purchasing what I can at some of our craft years that happen year round... One of the big ones in the area always happened on the weekend of my camping event. With us just having a one day event this year - I'm hoping to get back to that craft fair once again... buy it, wrap it, label it, and tuck it away in the closet... more stress done and gone.
I've also decided to make sure I start doing those things with my family that make me happy - and create those little moments that carry you through to the next day or week. This will be the third year visiting the Shriners Feztival of Trees with my sister, her family and mine. It's a relaxing evening - and yeah we spend money buying those tickets - but it supports a good cause. And even though we have no hope of winning a tree - even Christopher realizes it - we can start to think of how we would share ALL OF THOSE LEGOS!!!
Another thing I want to get back to doing is spending a day shopping with Ashley. With only one day off each week in December - we need to do this earlier. Maybe even mid-week. And now that she's out of school - it just might work. She always lights up my life! She makes me laugh so hard I usually end up crying. We can act foolish together and even better - she's old enough that we can share cocktails together. Not that we drink buckets (okay - we DO drink buckets) but having a drink at an adult restaurant is a bonus when most of my dining options are picked by a 10 year old boy who has recently decided Burger King's nuggets are the BEST! Again - little things : )
So then I started reflecting about work. I have to go there and spend a bazillions hours there in December. Instead of complaining about it - I could make suggestions to make things better. So I started a list of things we could do at work to make things more festive and less - well grumbly. Nothing too exciting... making paper snowflakes to hang in our windows... doing an ornament swap... wearing our PJs to work. I have about 15 things written down and I've shared them with my leader. Mainly because I don't want next year to be as grumbly and non-festive as this year was. Now I don't know if they will actually do it... but its amazing how much pull I have when I get something in my head. So there is a good chance we can do this... heck - we didn't even sponsor a Christmas family this year... and it's the first year in 20 that I've worked in a department that didn't. My motto - if you want things differently - speak up and push ideas forward. Heck even if they decide to do a couple of them - things can only be better than they were last year.
So here we are - heading head long into February. We've been buried in mountains of snow... many of those days I've sat and watched the snowplows drive by - trying desperately to keep up and try to find a place to put yet another 8" on piles that are 6+ feet tall and 5+ feet deep and think that being positive is easier and I'm in a better place than I was a month ago. I might have to build an ark in order to survive the spring thaw... but we'll sing while we row ahead of the waves!
My mountains of carving still keeps me company... and I'm working on building logbooks... but I'm also reading books that I would have never picked up in the past. I'm participating in a reading challenge that Ashley encouraged me to do with her. And now there are a bunch of us doing it together. I've read a graphic novel... and a book written originally in a foreign language... now on to tackling Barbara Bush's memoir! With it being 500+ pages - I should be able to finish it in a day or so... LOL.
So taking a moment - to thank someone I don't even know for setting this all in motion. As part of the AQ Christmas swap - my holidays were restored and my attitude changed. Because if someone who has never met me can send me something so personal - that they took the time to read my blog and pull items from it to make a gift to a stranger more personal - then I should be grateful for the gifts - small and large that are bestowed on me every day.
I have a good job - I have my health (except when the flu vaccine didn't work) - I have a great family - I have a warm house to come home to and food on the table every night. I have friends far and wide that support my crazy addiction to carving and planting stamps... and coming out in the middle of the night in a snow storm - to visit us here in Maine. I have so much to be grateful for - and I need to remember that. Even if I have to give myself a mental talking to once and a while... my goal for the rest of the year - it to remember, no matter how difficult things get - there is always a positive side to everything, even if it's just a little smile or a hug from a reluctant 10-year old. Maybe just even spending the evening watching the Super Bowl or watching all of those glorious snowflakes fall from the sky. Every moment is a gift. And for those simple gifts - we must all be grateful.
So my wish for those of you that read this - may you find those moments that carry you through those times that make you struggle. If you are reading this - you are a friend through the extension of my words. Know you have a friend out there - if we have met in person or not. A friendship that can be shared and paid forward. Take those small moments and carry them forward. Smile at a stranger instead of glaring at them. Hold open a door for someone carrying too many bags to handle. Or just say 'Bless you' when someone sneezes... it's those small thanks that help to make us all feel important and needed.
Here's to a great 2015...
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