Mud in deep...

    So lots has been happening in my world over the past few months.  Some of it good, but unfortunately so much more has not been.  I've been living in crisis mode.  Trying to survive every day - just hoping the next will be sustainable.  It takes a lot out of a person when your world starts to crumble around you.  When those you thought you trusted the most - betray you.  When those you held the closest start to slip helplessly away and you have no control over the situation.  And any time you try to make something positive happen - only the worst is derived from your actions.
     This has been my life for the last eight months.  Sustained barely on the edge of keeping my own mental state together - just pushing through each day - because I had to.  Days I would take a shower - just so I could cry away my pain as I felt like I had no shoulder to cry on.  My family was under attack, some from within - some from without and I couldn't deflect the negative fast enough.  I sustained and painted a happy face - while all the time my insides were crumbling away.
     I've had what I would consider an adversarial life.  Everything I have - I've had to fight to get.  Nothing has come easy for me.  And inside I so often wonder why I was brought here at all.  I've lost more than most will ever understand. And yet I persevered.  I'm Irish - and I always say if I didn't have bad luck - I wouldn't have any at all.  But one thing I have had is my inner drive to learn new things and try to share those with others.  When my chips are the farthest down - I try to bury myself in projects, activities and work.
     I've never considered myself really good at anything.  I'm a hack... I can get through - make a great show of things - but I just don't have the self-esteem or drive to propel me to greatness, not do I really want to either.  But I do like to share what little I do know with others.  Letterboxing has granted me a unique avenue to do some of those things that I can quietly enjoy and re-energize with.  This past year, knowing that Live and Breathe was practically in my back yard - I opted to not host a long week camping event.  Bu that just made for idle hands - so I opted to champion a friendly rivalry for PAL day.  I worked hard all year to get Maine boxers motivated.  I worked had to develop series that I had been toying with for numerous years - but never put through because they just didn't fit my event themes.  The timing seemed perfect for some competitive fun.
     Unfortunately - when things were beginning to work their way closer to PAL day, things at work and in my home life started to quickly unravel.  Mentally I was stretched.  Emotionally I was zapped.  What had started out as a fun journey - was quickly turning hellish.  I wanted it over.  I wanted everything over.  Nothing seemed to end fast enough - everyone demanded more from me and expectations grew to the point I was going crazy.  I knew - if I mentally wanted to get through with my sanity - something had to give.  But deadlines are deadlines - and I rarely let one - lapse without completing what's been assigned to me.  And it all took its toll.
     When the 'competition' started to get down and dirty - so did inbox messages.  everyone wanted things fixed to suit themselves and their own needs.  My hobby - which was barely keeping me sane - was suddenly turning into a nightmare.  I've never enjoyed competition.  I'm not competitive by nature.  And if pushed into one - most times I just fold.  This time I crumbled.  My inbox exploded.  Comments became adversarial.  People wanted more and more - demanding more and more.  I final shut down.  Tuned everything and everyone out.  I had to escape.  I had to regroup.  I had to stop the attacks.  In the process I might have offended some - and I'm sorry for that - but I needed to save myself.  I needed to find the joy that letterboxing used to bring me.  I had to find a way to get my family back on track and try to help them recover from everything that was happening.
     I'm still trying to recover.  Letterboxing does seem to bring me some joy - but I still feel the attacks around me.  Try as I might - I feel their impact, I can't seem to miss them.  Letterboxing and its community has brought me so much joy.  I've developed friendships and been to places that I never would have had I not discovered Atlas Quest.  But when things get overwhelming - the last thing you want is the hobby that is supposed to renew your energy - take it away.  Friends that make you happy - suddenly make you sad.  When that happens - ties need to be cut.  Relationships need to be restructured and you go into protection mode.
     There are so many things I should be doing - but letterboxing always calls to me.  So in my own way - I'm slowly rebuilding that bridge back to what used to be a strong island.  It's going to take a while for me to finish it - so I'm asking for patience.   My family is still in crisis - so I really do not need my hobby in crisis as well.  I need it to go back to being my refuge.  And hopefully it will very soon.